When you think of pets, conventional names come to mind: dogs, cats, goldfish, etc.  But, people have pet goats too.  Yes, goats, those hairy, bleating, delicious animals that I find so fascinating.

I have never had to babysit anyone’s pet, but it hasn’t stopped me from compiling this list.  Supposing you, the owner and lover of a pet goat (let’s call him Chewy), ask me to babysit your pet, here is my answer in advance: NO.

And here are 8 reasons why:

1. Baby goats sound like Bush Babies (or vice-versa)

If you’ve lived in Nigeria, and especially if you’ve gone to boarding school in Nigeria, you’ve heard of bush babies and Madam Koin-Koin. Most of the bush baby stories relate to the sound they make, which people have heard. And for some reason, they only cry at night (why is it always at night?)

Anyway, I read somewhere that the supposed bush baby sound is actually the sound of baby goats crying at night.  True or False? I don’t know.  You can always ask a bush baby to confirm and share the answer with me. 😉

Since I am not a fan of bush babies, I can’t babysit pets that could potentially sound like them.  Get my drift?

2. Goats are delicious (Duh!) especially in Pepper Soup

Honestly, this should have been Number 1, but here it is at Number 2.  You know how I have mentioned in passing, more than once, beaten you over the head with the fact that I love spicy food?  Well, there are scores of Nigerian and non-Nigerian dishes that have the word “goat” in them.  That means, goat meat is a key ingredient.  e.g. Goat meat pepper soup, ayamase (ofada stew), etc.

Plus, goats have four stomachs.  Translation: Four different types of shaki (tripe) to choose from.  Ah! Variety, the spice of life.  😀

So, when I look at your beloved pet, all I see is shaki! I can’t babysit a potential pepper soup ingredient … Sorry!

3.  Goats eat Paper

To tell the truth, goats eat a lot of stuff since they’re mostly browsers not grazers.  But the one that concerns me the most is paper.  You see, I write a lot of stuff by hand on paper: lists, stories, etc. While I want people to consume my stories (by reading them), I don’t want a goat to literally consume (eat) my story.  If that happens … Just see # 2.

4. Goats Smell like … Goats

They are livestock. What were you thinking? No babysitting for that reason alone.

5.  Goats have this unrepentant, “I don’t care expression” on their faces

Yes, I have observed this.  Whether they are eating cloth, your homework, paper or grass, they have the same expression on their faces that simply says, “I don’t care.”  I prefer pets that look (or at least pretend to look) repentant when they have sinned, like Denver, the guilty dog.  Goats don’t.  No deal.

6.  I don’t know any goat-ish bedtime stories

Assuming you care that much about your pet that you read it bedtime stories, this would matter to you.  And since I don’t know any stories to send a goat to sleep … well, you know the rest.  Counting sheep is not an option.

7.  We can’t watch Naija movies together

This is a BIG deal.  I love Nigerian “Nollywood” movies, and chances are that while babysitting this pet of yours, I will be watching one of these movies, starring Patience Ozokwor.  Unfortunately, your pet won’t be able to join me because it will be tied to a tree in the yard with a long rope while I lounge on the couch, munching chin chin and yelling at Mama Gee (Patience Ozokwor’s nickname) to stop being wicked to her daughter-in-law because God dey.

8. Goats are not fans of Disney movies

Well, they can’t talk, so you can’t confirm this.  They can’t appreciate why it is critical for Cinderella to lose her glass slipper at the ball, so that the Prince stalker with a foot fetish can come looking for her. I can’t have Chewy the goat, noisily chewing the cud when I’m watching the wicked stepmother harassing Cinderella.  No distractions!

…. And that is why I can’t babysit your pet goat.

Any questions?