Episode 3: A Real Man Writes Letters

Happy New Month!

Yes, I know it’s May 4, but I haven’t been here in a while. I hope you’re staying safe.

I have decided to continue and finish this series. Please enjoy Episode 3 titled A Real Man Writes Letters. Or if you prefer, Real Men Write Letters. If you missed episodes 1 and 2, you can find them here.

Have a great rest of the week!

12 Cupid Lane

Victoria Island, Lagos

April 24, 2017

Darling Uloma:

I have never been the flattering type. Every word I write is true. There’s no room in our romance for meaningless words, fluff that lacks substance. The words I write have been marinating in my heart for a while. Now, I pour them onto these pages, holding nothing back. If baring your heart to a woman is a crime, then … Guilty!

But it’s not a crime. And I am a free man.

But I wonder, Uloma, am I truly free? Can a man in my position, a man in love with a woman, ever be free? You have captured my heart, Uloma. Please, don’t give it back.

You’re not the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

No.

But you are beautiful.

Yours is the elegant, effortless grace of a doe. You don’t walk across a room; you glide, as if your feet don’t touch the ground.

I have seen many beautiful women in my life. But Uloma, your beauty is unforgettable, seared into my brain forever. You are like the first song a man hears in the morning. That melody replays itself all day. He never forgets it.

I can never forget you.

I bet you can’t remember all the guys who have ever e-mailed you. Why upgrade when this method works? Don’t worry. I can type with all my fingers. But the kind of technology I use should not matter as long as it carries my words and lays them before your eyes.

I have made a choice: writing in longhand, not e-mail. Writing by hand is personal. But writing to you, Uloma, by hand . . . it feels real, realer and more heartfelt than any e-mail. It’s like I am having a conversation with you.

Uloma, a man who writes is a real man. Yes, a real man writes letters. He is a risk taker. He has put in writing words he cannot deny later. These words don’t fade away like spoken words. They outlast the writer.

A real man is patient. It takes patience to sit down and craft words that sing.

I was the first person to write you a letter? Ah, my heart sings for joy! Who knew that shooting my shot would land me in Uloma’s Book of Records.

I said you were unforgettable. Now, I too, will be. Unforgettable.

Are you smiling? I can picture you smiling at “Uloma’s Book of Records.” In case you wondered, I am smiling too.

In your letter, I got the sense that you were searching for a word to describe me. I believe the word you were searching for was:

Thoughtful

Because it’s a thoughtful man who sends a woman handwritten letters.

There will be more.

Till the next letter, I remain . . .

Your Secret Admirer,

P. S. Rest easy. I own a sewing machine, but I am not that obioma.

Uloma’s Reply
A Real Man Writes Letters

14 Deinde Aliyu Street

Off Adeniran Ogunsanya Street

Surulere, Lagos

April 27, 2017

There is a question I’ve been meaning to ask: are you single? Don’t act so surprised. It’s a very valid question.

Are you? Bros, please answer the question. But while I am waiting, let me define “single.”

A single man is an unattached man. He is not in any type of relationship (or situationship) with any woman. “Any woman” includes but is not limited to a wife (yes, it needs to be said), an ex-wife, girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, or as I suspect in your case, ex-girlfriends, fiancée, side chick, a friend with or without benefits, or a “best friend” who in every respect functions as your wife, and possibly believes that she is your wife.

Are you still confused? Oya, let me break it down.

If you are wearing a wedding ring, you are not single.

If you wore a wedding ring before you left your house in the morning, took it off when you entered your car, and plan to put it back on before you enter your house at night, you are not single.

If you have proposed to a woman, and she is wearing your engagement ring, you are not single.

If there is a woman who calls you “bae,” and you also call “bae,” and you are both regarded as a couple, you are not single.

If a woman has carried palm wine, danced in front of her people and you drank the said palm wine, you are not single.

If you are currently gathering a list of items given to you by a woman’s family before you can carry their daughter away as her husband, you are not single.

If you or your family have paid a woman’s dowry or bride price, you are not single.

If you, your friends and/or family have prostrated (dobale) before a woman’s family, asking for her hand in marriage, you are not single. Your friends might be single, but not you. You are so not single.

If you have done any type of wedding ceremony (court, traditional, white, nikkai, etc) with a woman, you are not single.

If there is any woman out there bearing the title of “girlfriend” not “girl friend,” bros, you are not single.

If there is a woman who wears your ring, has given birth to children who look like you, bear your name and call you “Daddy,” bros you are not single.

If you have introduced a woman to your family as “my fiancée” or “my wife to be” or “the One” and they are calling her “iyawo wa” and you guys are actively planning your wedding (whether you love her or not, dat one no concern me), bros, you are not single.

If you and a woman have been going to see your Pastor for pre-marriage counseling, you are not single o.

If your Facebook status (under the “old Facebook”) is “It’s complicated,” bros you are not single.

I think you get the picture.

Are you one of those men who are single simply because they say they are single? There are too many married men boldly introducing themselves as “single.” If you are one of them, shame on you. I have less civil words to describe such men, but perhaps, they don’t belong in this letter.

I am not the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen? Good. That sounds more realistic.

You are a risk taker, ehn? Clap for yourself. So are those yahoo-yahoo boys scamming people up and down. Ritualists too.

So there will be more letters? That one is good. Me too, I have plenty questions for you.

But first, answer the one I already asked: are you single?

Tell the truth o. God is watching you.

Sincerely,

Uloma the Expectant

P. S. We need to settle this once and for all. This one that you said you are not that obioma. Are you an obioma at all? Please speak now or forever hold your peace.

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